Fearing the Future

I have been meaning to write about recent decisions that have been made in my life. In the past few months, I had to finalize my decisions regarding what University to attend, what course/major to take, which ties I would valiantly keep alive, and which, as sad as it is inevitable, I would let succumb to the ravages of time.

All in all, most of my decisions have been tainted with some notion of fear, regret and nostalgia. Well, fine, of course there is also the exciting rush of starting on a new chapter of life, and growing beyond present boundaries and all, but still, I have never been one for leaving my comfort zone. People argue that High School lasted for 4 years for a reason, and that my friends during those years would be my friends for the rest of my life, but still, there is a sense of fear in losing things.

Especially considering the fact that those I am closest to, I have known, literally, since i was 6 years old, have been classmates for most of those years since, and that i have practically grown extra appendages and organs for the sakes of these people; the idea, therefore, of suddenly going our own ways is filled with a surreality that generates an even more real sense of fear in me.


The summer has been hot, and filled with parties and "reunions". It's funny, really, how just a few weeks since graduation, we actually have the audacity to call our outings "reunions". Granted, the get-togethers also double as despedidas for friends pursuing further education in other countries, but still, I can't help but feel that they generate an artifical sense of continuity- as if reunions will always be this common and this mundane. Due to these constant get-togethers, it makes it even harder for me to accept or even imagine how it would be when these guys and I would meet only once every year, or even less. I can't imagine how it would be to not anymore be on the same spheres of understanding and knowledge. God, how the hell can we possibly be in different fields of expertise 4 years from now?


Then again, I'm probably just being an illusioned, sentimental fool. Enter cynic.


To be honest, this isn't the first time I'm going to say goodbye. I graduated from elementary school 4 years ago, where I also had a group of constant classmates for 4 of the 8 years. Granted, a vast majority of us ended up going to the same high school (and ending up in the same section, to boot), but a few of us still pursued different paths in different schools. At the time, I also couldn't imagine how I could possibly say goodbye to those people, and I was actually on the semi-verge of being on the verge of breaking down. But time passed, and here I am, remarkably happy for the past four years, the fear of those preceding non-existent.

We had a reunion (the group from those grade school days) just the other day. We actually still had a lot to talk about, really. And, true to form, we talked about our common days. One of us was a valedictorian, more than one was a merit scholar, one had a girlfriend from Poveda, and I was myself. We had pursued (or somehow reached) different points from when we were in grade school, but we still had trivial, but nonetheless endearing, things in common. And this, I imagine (hopefully) will also be the case with my high school class.


conclusion:
Forgive the prior exposition, but I felt it necessary to support the following conclusion. I think what I have wrong with me is that I imagine things too far into the future too immediately. I can't help but imagine what our (highschool friends, grade school friends, or any, really) situations will be years from now, instead of learning to deal with things day by day. I simply take our current standing, add 10 years of isolation, and theoritize. Inevitably, all I am able to imagine are the losses, the separation, the distancing. I am unable to break things down to the day by day situations that time will present. The forcing and pushing of time fate and situation to new people, and to easier letting go. The future won't really force me to drop relationships like a lead weight from a building rooftop. I think that these things will just be like a rope, continually slackening until I suddenly find myself free from the sentimental ties that bind me to these things- until I willingly return and cherish the memories.



Maybe fearing the future is as apt as it is stupid. After all, it's what is motivating me to hold on to as much as I can, but at the same time, it is as irrational as it can come. All in all, it's a fruitless venture to hold on to the past that will end in vain. But we continue to fear, and to hold on, all the same.

cue sisyphus.